To Those Who Used to be My Friends

 

Been a while since I was here, this wasn’t really triggered, but my

writing style has changed a lot and so has

the topic that have burdened my mind of late.

I know you’re not asking, but I’ve been okay, getting by each day

as I can, making the most of what I have, better than I deserve,

but far from what I imagined, grateful because

I found my way back to the path to where I intend to be,

taking the journey for what it is and all it can give me.

But as each day passes, with the sound of certain songs,

I remember a random name I’ve not had to say in years,

and for some, I try to not say again if I have my way, then

I meet new people and they say their names and they

remind me of some of you and all that led me here.

How far back does it take me? Aunty Ayaba whom I loved with

all my heart and was my literal first crush,

she raised me and was my second mom, I came by a video of you

and I laughing a week ago and I cried knowing

I won’t ever see your face again, I listened to the last voice-note you

sent me and I wish with everything I had that

I replied that day you sent it, I wish I stopped by to see where you lived,

I wish I did more, probably should have

asked you to move in with me when I had the chance, probably given

you the most I could if I knew I would

never get the chance to say Goodbye. I’ve got your kids at the back of

my mind now, David called me today

and I missed his call, I plan to call him back and let him know he will

never be alone. I love you Aunty Ayaba

and maybe somehow, the Angels would tell you that I wrote something

for you and, whether you ever see it or

not, the internet would know your name and know you helped raise me

and I love you for it.

Abigail, where are you now? We were so close in elementary school and

somehow got so close again after

high school and we thought we were gonna be a thing, we thought life

brought us back together because we

were meant to be, but somehow, I pursued my dreams to another state

and never said goodbye, you told me we

could hang-out when I came back but I never called because I didn’t

know how to tell you I’d found love in

College and I was going to stay there rather than come back home.

I heard you are married now and living

out of the country, I’m sure you won’t see this or even imagine that I

still remember your name, but I met an

Abigial recently and realized you were my favorite Abigial and I wasn’t

ready to know anyone else with that

name.

Onyinyechi, I still watch your stories online and act like I don’t see them,

you hit me up from time to time and

say “my guy”, like you didn’t use to mean the world to me. Now we don’t

even talk at all because life is life-ing

and adulthood is adulting, we had promised that our kids would be friends

but I don’t even know your kids' names

it’s so weird.

Juliet, I’m sorry. I talk more about you than you’ll ever imagine, you’re

one of my favorite history story, and

I don’t even say Hi anymore. I hope you’re living the best life we always

talked about, I hope you’re reminded

every day that you’re awesome in many ways and properly my favorite

crazy church girl and I probably would

suck at talking to girls if not for you, Thank you for making me feel

pretty and smart for a nerd.

Naomi, how are you? I came across that drawing I made of you recently

and I was curious how I still had that

with how much I’ve moved about. We don’t talk anymore and it’s all me

if I’m honest. I grew up too fast and

assumed you were gonna play catch up and I wasn’t ready to wait, but I

see your videos from time to time and

realized all you needed was someone who had the will to wait and give

you some faith, you were always gonna

fly and I’m glad to see it. Maybe 10 years from now we would finally get

that drink again, or maybe 20 and

we would hopefully be too old to remember that we were best friends for

20 days and it was epic for us while

it lasted.

Chris, I’m still so pissed you died, you laughed the loudest and made us

feel you were going to live forever,

I’m pissed that I didn’t make more videos with you in my girlfriends’

heels that night, I’m pissed we didn’t

just stay in that room all night and mess around with all her wigs and

clothes. You were going to teach me

all the naughty things in the world and what did you do? Just go ahead

and die without permission, without a

word, you went from looking like the prettiest man I had ever seen to

never being seen again. I really wish

you faked your death and you’ll see this and laugh and maybe come

out like you used to, screaming

“SURPRISE!” like you gave us the longest fools' day ever! 

Peace, I know you’ll never read this, you always hated how long my

writings were and would often just ask

me to summarise so you’ll have me keep talking rather than facing a

screen. You and I would have remained

the best of friends but I messed it all up, I wasn’t great at being a

good friend, and walking away was my way

of healing from things without ever wondering what that would

do to those around me and I’m sorry.

But I know you, you’re too sufficient to be wondering what could

have been and you’re probably kicking

ass and taking names wherever you are, making a mean mom and a

badass wife to whoever you’re with,

treating all your friends like your kids and grown folks like pets,

I miss you though and I should at least

get that out of the way. Let’s pretend this is the goodbye I never

said when you came to get your stuff out

of my house that night, my pride got in the way and that was that.

goodbye Red. 

Alonge Damilola, where in the heavens are you? What are you up to

these days? Are you still in banking?

After almost 6 years of trying to figure out what we were and finally

accepting that we were friends, life just

drifted, or was it I who drifted? Pursuing my own stuff like that was

all there was to life, I’ve not spoken to

John in years and he was like my best bud, my former roommate

David may as well be a governor somewhere

and I wouldn’t even know because I have no idea what he looks like,

Ochuko is now a Pastor and I’m sure now

that God is mysterious because if Ochuko can become a Pastor there’s

hope for me yet. All these people

knew your name and you knew theirs but I don’t know where you all

are Dami and that sucks.

IJ, why in the world did we always walk each other back and forth

each-others' house when we could have just

agreed we were talking some of the finest walks and we loved it,

thank you for being a bigger person than I

and for reaching out even after I ghosted for years. I hope your son

is having the time of his life with such an

amazing mom.

Grace, Grace, Grace. I know you’re probably the only one who would

read this, you and I have come such a

long way and for some reason, we agreed we were not talking to each

other anymore because we were

continents aparts, but you and I both know the real reason why. I

was a dick and that’s that. You were a

true friend, my real friend but I was only learning how to be one,

goals and plans were the only things

I saw then, and once in a while, they still get in the way and I was

an ass about it, I miss you and I am sorry

for not being the friend you were looking for, I’m sorry I let you

down the way I did, and showing you that

guys were jerks when I had the chance to show you the best part of

being friends with smart guys.

Emmanuel, I respect your loyalty, I made the choice to cut Joel out

of my life and Joel’s your best friend and

that’s okay, it makes sense that we drifted apart like you were never

my little brother, like you didn’t need me

when you did, like you didn’t love me with all your heart and that

I split you up when I gave you the option of

choosing when I knew for certain where you had to be. I miss you

from time to time and maybe I miss Joel too

but he’s an ass just like I am and that’s where I’m leaving that bit.

Darlington, we both lost Chris and what did we do? We made a mess

of the trio we should have been, I still think

of you now, what I thought of you then, the smartest, coolest, and

beautiful man I ever knew who was a jerk and a

stupid bugger, but I love you and I don’t know which hurts me,

that we both still like each other and have to

act like we don’t or the fact that we hate each other’s guts and we

are both too proud to have our egos go and

say 'Hi to each other again.

Harley Quinn, you’ll know this is you, I hope you still like Okra

the way I do? I hope you still have goals

that are way above you? I hope you’re taking more action and

having all the fun you used to and not losing

who you are doing it? I’m sorry I pushed you away, that’s on me,

acting like I was too much for you and

like you could never sit next to me when all you wanted was to

be able to cheer knowing your friend

believed in you. Joker’s always gonna put that in mind and there

can never be another HQ.

Favor I saved you for last and I think we both know why, you alone

probably deserve your own book and

in my biography, you’ll have the second longest chapter after B.

I am sorry, I am, I was unforgiven and

became unforgivable, I was so pissed at you and moved so fast

like you were not the most important thing

to me at the time. Like my life wasn’t completely wrapped up in

your fingers. The truth is we gave it our

best but we were both too young and too smart to work. We

couldn’t have been and I honestly don’t regret

that we’re not, you’re not the one who got away, I’m exactly

where I need to be, but you’re the one I messed

things up with so badly that I can never fix again even if I tried.

There’s no second chance with some people,

not for us but I still miss my friend probably more than I miss

anyone else on this list. I know you’re flying

but I can’t be surprised, we wrote our goals and dreams side by

side, then strayed too far in pursuit of them

and never looked back.

I don't talk to you guys anymore and maybe I wish to from time to

time and maybe there are times I tell

myself that your seasons in my life are over and that's okay too.

But here I am listening to Ed again and

I thought of you guys and knew the only thing to do was write this.

Still won't text or call so I'm not

promising a change anytime soon. I just want this here and if you

ever read it you'll know I still keep a

piece of you with me.